From Here to Maternity

I've been walking around in a fog for the past few days and probably will for a few more days, so I thought I'd share the news...

No, I'm not pregnant. (hee hee! Did I get you?)

After a long long discussion and a lot of math, Andrew and I decided that I will be staying home with Isla at least until she is one, and possibly longer if we can make it work.

Originally I planned to go back 3 days a week, but the time constraints of the daycare we picked wouldn't allow me to work in the late afternoon/early evening (the time when I would most likely have client hours) and involved a 32 mile (round trip) commute. The other daycare centers in our area that offer part time are so expensive that it doesn't make financial sense to work part time or full time. In addition to these considerations, Andrew has been working extremely long hours lately - sometimes as late as 8:30 at the office and then more work from home! We realized that if I returned to work, Isla would never see either of us, and that is the last thing we want.

It is an understatement to say that we are going to be pinching pennies, but we have high hopes that my staying at home will give a us a family life and help balance the extra responsibilities Andrew has had to take on.

I spoke to my boss today and she was extremely kind and understanding. She is going to look into the possibility of my working from home for up to 5 hours a week - a great way to stay in the grown-up world loop and make it easier to go back, when I'm ready.

I had no idea how difficult this decision would be. Up until this week I had the expectation that I would be going back in August and all I could think about was the horror (yes, horror!) of leaving my little baby girl in the care of someone else. (My friend Amanda can tell you all about the breakdown I had at Target in the linen section.)

As soon as we decided that I would stay home, I suddenly started thinking about all the things I treasure about my job:
- The Kids...I miss them so much already! And last week Isla got to meet one of my little kiddos and it was one of the sweetest moments of my life (to quote this little man's reaction to meeting Isla, "Ali, I love this!") I love it too!!!
- My Co-workers...I work with the most amazing strong and intelligent group of women! We are like a sorority without the internal drama (at least not much). I have toiled, bitched, laughed (and cried, because that's what I do) with these ladies and can't imagine them not being a regular part of my life. I have seen other co-workers leave the office and slowly lose touch with everyone and I hate to think that that could be me.
- My Brain...My job offered me Daily Challenges (often more than I can handle), and although I often got completely stressed out, I enjoyed staying mentally in the game. Since I've been on maternity leave I spend 90% of my time narrating or singing to an infant and the neurons are not firing too quickly.
- An Adult Life...This is closely tied into "my brain." I miss having conversations about things outside the realm of nap schedules, diaper absorbency and infant clothing sizes. Although you may not believe me (since whenever I open my mouth, baby related talk seems to pour out) I miss talking about non-baby subjects (especially since Andrew is so busy, we don't have much time to talk).
- Report Writing...actually no, that is not on this list at all...

In addition to the things I'll miss, I also have a lot of guilt about leaving a job that I have put so much of myself into and has given me so much. I worry that I'll lose the skills I've gained.

So in the past few days, my anxiety has shifted from visions of piles of paperwork and a neglected child who doesn't recognize her mother to visions of piles of diapers and dishes and a stir crazy mother that doesn't recognize herself...

That being said, I am also feeling amazing peace and gratitude. Staying at home with Isla always seemed beyond our reach, and I am still in awe that I have this opportunity.

I hope to make the most of it.

After speaking to my boss today I had a little melt down and Isla looked up at me and laughed out loud (what empathy!). That was all it took to remind me that we made the right choice.