Change

I've been feeling very overwhelmed in the past few weeks.  When people ask, I say I am having post traumatic stress disorder from the past year, and I'm only sort of kidding. 
Isaac is doing fantastic on every front right now and I think for the first time in a long time I've had a moment to stop, look around, take a deep breath...and burst into tears. 
There are so many things I'm unhappy about, they don't bear mentioning.  Many are trivial and in the morning light I can laugh that I ever wasted a second thought on most, but still...  My anxiety is also slightly out of control.  I've always had some "anxiety" and my lucky kiddos are the beneficiaries of a mother who worries about everything there is to worry about, but lately I find myself spending hours looking up fetal development at 10 week / 8 weeks gestational age, trying to prepare myself for any other surprise health issue with Isaac (this is really another post - I read back on my baby journal and found that I was sick around 10 weeks during Isaac's pregnancy, which corresponds to the rotation of the bowel, the elimination of accessory pathways in the heart - which cause SVT, and many other things.  Of course Ike's issues could be completely unrelated, but I like to think I know what is going on, so I've attributed the issues to this illness.  I'll post more details when I have a chance...from a medical perspective it is all rather fascinating.)

The most maddening thing is that I feel pathetic about letting everything that has happened get to me.  In the grand scheme of things we went through such small potatoes with Isaac and we have been blessed 100% of the journey.  At 13 weeks we learned that Isaac had a positive screening for Trisomy 21, putting him at high risk for Down's Syndrome.  With my professional experience I knew that I would always welcome a child with a disability, but I also knew how challenging that could be.  When Isaac's heart got worse instead of getting better I prepared myself for heart surgery.  I worked with a little boy who had open heart surgery as an infant and I thank God every day Issac did not have to have the same.  When Isaac was born I met parents with babies who came so early and still had so far to go.  I will be able to close my eyes and hear the sound of a baby smaller than my hand struggling to breath and cry in the giraffe bed next to us for the rest of my life and I will never forget coming down to the NICU one morning to find an empty bed with a small gold heart resting in the middle of the mattress.  When Isaac wasn't gaining weight he was tested for CF. Of course I read everything there was to read on cystic fibrosis. I am so thankful we are not walking that path.  When we found out Isaac's mesenteric lymph nodes were extremely enlarged we were quickly reassured that they did not suspect cancer. Either allergy, intermittent volvulous, or both, but not cancer.  I have no words to express my relief and gratitude that we are not taking up residency on 2 East. 

At every step of the journey we have been blessed with a positive outlook and a positive outcome.  I want to take advantage of this tremendously difficult year and pass the blessings we have received onto others.  I want to live the gratitude I feel instead of feeling overwhelmed by small things, guilty that I am not there for my kids, husband, family and friends, or envious of others' happiness.

I've had all this swirling around, unarticulated, in my head for the past few weeks and this weekend it came to a head.  I slept for 12 hours on Saturday and then ate too much and regretted it.  On Sunday I moped around cleaning the house, catching up on work, whining to Andrew, and generally having a pity party.

Then today, while enjoying my ABBA station on Pandora (everyone should make one!) I read this:
What I Want.  My jaw just about fell on the floor.  This blogger was in my head!  She (eloquently, I might add), wrote out my manifesto.

I don't expect instant transformation, and knowing me, I'll be picking myself up in a year, a month or a week, and starting over again (because by now I've learned that 2 steps forward, 1 step back is just life goes), but RIGHT NOW, this is the sign from GOD (the universe, another blogger, whatever your beliefs are), that I needed.

I'm inspired.